My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

There is no death in remembrance. Remember me, Sarah. Remember me, and a part of me will always be with you." - Martha Carrier to her daughter, Sarah Carrier

Desire may cease once the desired person or object is acquired. The desire of reading doesn’t cease once a book is read, however extraordinary this one was.

Power is the recognition of necessity.

An area of life that does not have hope is under a lie.

Queen had its time and place, and at the moment I'm not concentrating on that era.

Don't make me laugh, I'd much rather cry.

The British government says that for Sinn Fein to be involved in talks the guns must be left at the door.

He has existed only, not lived, who lacks wisdom in old age.

The best way to develop courage is to set a goal and achieve it, make a promise and keep it.