My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

Instead of assuming and jumping into conclusions, stop for a moment and think. "Is this really true or am I making it up?".Don't believe your racing thoughts.

Life is short, and we should respect every moment of it.

I realize that I'm a mature woman and one of these days, incredible diet or not, I'll be a little old lady.

I am a pastor, and I teach and preach the Bible to my congregation every week. But the Bible is not a manufacturer's handbook. Neither is it a science textbook nor a guidebook for public policy.

Americans are not renowned for having a sense of irony.

You are not invisible to your Heavenly Father. He loves you.

I think God gives every one of us our own will, and unfortunately, some people choose to do evil things with it.

You can never have too much, butter.

I see neither bravery nor sacrifice in destroying life or property, for offense or defense.

Life balances itself on a precarious ledge, we can stay safe up high or propel off the edge.