Make someone happy, Make just one someone happy, And you will be happy, too.

Be awfully nice to them going up, because you're gonna meet them all coming down.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Everybody wants to get into the act!

My nose isn't big. I just happen to have a very small head.

All of us have schnozzles... if not in our faces, then in our character, minds or habits. When we admit our schnozzles, instead of defending them, we begin to laugh, and the world laughs with us.

Everybody wants ta get inta da act!

Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.

Don't put no constrictions on da people. Leave 'em ta hell alone.

What did Napolean do for relaxation? He read a book. What did Lincoln do for relaxation? He read a book. What does Congress do for relaxation? They book a red.

Me and my big mouth! I'd get rid of it, only it's such a handy place to keep my teeth.

I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it won't change the fact that they are upset.

"You see," said Mr. Toots, "what I wanted in a wife was - in short, was sense. Money, Feeder, I had. Sense I - I had not, particularly."

I still think about the writers I loved when I was a kid.

If you quit every time things don't go your way, then you'll be quitting all through your life.

America should treasure its rare, true original voices and Mark Leyner is one of them. So treasure him already, you bastards!

If we practice stepping into the unknown, moment by moment, hour by hour, millions of times, then death is just the next step into the unknown. It loses its terror.

I do not want to leave in [U.S.] ... I cannot make that clear enough to immigration authorities who may be listening to this interview. I don't want to leave, so please don't make me.

Books are my friends, where it's okay to be silent, where you're not a freak if you don't want to get drunk, peel out in the parking lot, tip cows.

Tis this desire of bending all things to our own purposes which turns them into confusion and is the chief source of every error in our lives.

No one is above the law, and no one is beneath the law.