Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Salvation happens every time someone with a key uses it to open a door he could lock instead.

Few men looked on her without becoming, in a certain fashion, her lovers. But it was the kind of love that made them not less true, but truer, to their own wives.

However incoherent a human existence may be, human unity is not bothered by it.

Nothing succeeds like address.

In my mind, there's a time and a place for putting your foot down.

I don't want to portray myself as a daredevil. I'm not at all.

Make your vocation your vacation. That is the secret to success.

I'm really into Steve O'Sullivan and Mosaic/Sushitech with that dub sound.

The source that creates worlds always is creating and loving, and it excludes no one. It is a source of unlimited abundance. It is a source that has no judgment.