If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

What is life? It departs covertly. Like a thief Death took him.

I swore I'd never become some lord's brainless arm ornament and political host, but I've become far worse. I'm a glorified housekeeper and sperm donor. -from the journal of Payton Marcus Townsend.

I won't let that night ruin you forever." But it did, it broke me into a million pieces and blew them away in the wind, like crumbled leaves.

Believe in love. Believe in magic. Hell, believe in Santa Clause. Believe in others. Believe in yourself. Believe in your dreams. If you don't, who will?

Cuisine has become too complicated - this is about subject, verb, adjective: duck, turnips, sauce.

My style is neither casual nor academic, it's somewhere in between. For me, that's the best way to be succinct and informative but still (I hope) at least a bit entertaining.

Soccer is popular because stupidity is popular.

Labor #‎ Unions are the leading force for #‎ democratization and #‎ progress .

Jesus came to raise the dead. He did not come to teach the teachable; He did not come to improve the improvable; He did not come to reform the reformable. None of those things works.

People ask me if I'm afraid of getting typecast, but you can't be afraid of that. It's really not up to you. I'm getting other parts that aren't vampires.