I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Not yet do you feel it. Wait for the future.

Skill and confidence are an uncon-quered army.

I do talk about celebrity relationships like Kim Kardashian's. I like to find the humor in love.

I was honored to spend time with the President on an issue that is clearly important to him. I was also impressed by his wide receiver skills.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Beginnings are always hard.

I need to put bread on the table man

Take every opportunity that comes your way. You should never, never see an opportunity in the eye and pass by. Never!

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.

When I was maybe like, under 10 years old, I was kind of like a maniac.