My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

You have to get lost before you can be found.

The energy everything is made of is conscious. It's alive.

Some people say we're (Coldplay) talented and some say we're the worst thing ever to happen to music, and it's a bit confusing being in the middle of that.

It's not just a football club. Celtic means so much to so many people.

Science is not always what scientists do.

Awaken to your own internal power, to your own connection to the Divine, and act on what you are inspired to do

When a man plants a tree, he plants himself.

After a lifetime of war-watching, I see war as an endemic human disease, and governments are the carriers.

Understanding a metaphor is like deciphering a code or unraveling a riddle.

I think that training is the key, definitely, and I devoted my life to it.