I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I believe in not trying to control things that are out of my control or none of my business.

He shook his head, a smile tugging at his lips. “Two hours isn’t going to be enough time.” She grinned, rocking her hips. “We’d better make it count.

At some point in my early forties I realized that my primary goal in just about any verbal exchange is to lighten the mood.

Now learning a bit more about footballers I think what they need to do well, is someone who really wants to stay in the background and just be a strong support.

I never dreamt, in my dream, I'm Dalai Lama.

We learn by observation, imitation and repetition.

Don’t worry about a style. It will creep up on you and eventually you will have to undo it in order to go further.

I grieve for every death.

Fans always tell me I'm beautiful, but no one will ever be as beautiful as them

Tis Vanth's cage. You can just move it out of the way." "I already have," he grumbles. "With my shin.