I think I'm equally as abusive as the editors normally are for the "Letters and Tomatoes" column, which is the fan mail part of MAD Magazine and an ongoing feature.

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

I don't think we can afford to emulate the beauty editors of fashion magazines, airbrushing out blemishes and hawking a political ideal in which progressive people have no acne, no stupid remarks.

I don't know about my future but i guess it will better then my past.

Going to college don't make you from somewhere, any more than a cat born in an over can call itself a biscuit.

In prosperity our friends know us in adversity we know our friends.

Law students have taken over Hollywood. To them it's all about making money. They know people want to see what they've seen before. Also, remakes are places to showcase the new stars of tomorrow.

You can get used to eating breakfast with a man in a fedora. You can get used to anything, my mother was in the habit of saying.

We look for good on earth and cannot recognize it when met.

My greatest happiness is to serve my gracious King and Country and I am envious only of glory; for if it be a sin to covet glory I am the most offending soul alive.

And here I always thought morality was useless.

I am not called to be successful, I am called to be faithful.