I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

He wondered if there was anyone in the world who liked him. Liked him for himself alone.

You don't tell anyone things like that about your friends, even when you're mad at them.

The political writer, then is the ultimate optimist, believing people are capable of change and using words as one way to try and penetrate the privatism of our lives.

There’s just as much money to be made in the wreck of a civilization as in the upbuilding of one.

For he was drinking too much. Not uncontrollably nor offensively, but still he seldom seemed to have a glass out of his hand.

And what's a butterfly? At best He's but a caterpillar drest.

Cause I'm a musician, I'm not really good at posing and being a model, like, modeling.

There is an order to our environment, a broader order.

The first songs I wrote were catchy, but the subject matter was God.