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He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
A thick skin is a gift from God.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Only the shallow know themselves.
What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?
In the world of mules there are no rules.
Every director bites the hand that lays the golden egg.
Coffee in England is just toasted milk.
There ain't no answer. There ain't gonna be any answer. There never has been an answer. That's the answer.
Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.
India is a geographical term. It is no more a United Nation than the Equator.
Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
Worthless as wither'd weeds.
One bliss for which there is no match is when you itch to up and scratch.
If Roosevelt were alive he'd turn in his grave.
I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before he starts to practise law.
Only two things are infinite the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the former.
Sometimes a cigar is only a cigar.
When you have got an elephant by the hind leg and he is trying to run away it is best to let him run.
Oats n.s. A grain which in England is generally given to horses but in Scotland supports the people.
Tis better than riches To scratch when it itches.
In uplifting get underneath.
If there were any justice in the world people would be able to fly over pigeons for a change.
When the mouse laughs at the cat there's a hole nearby.
The ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now if I was a grave digger or even a hangman there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
God made me on a morning when he had nothing else to do.
Nothing succeeds like one's own successor.
In California everyone goes to a therapist is a therapist or is a therapist going to a therapist.
We also serve who only punctuate.
There's a wonderful family called Stein There's Gert and there's Epp and there's Ein: Gert's poems are bunk Epp's statues are junk And no one can understand Ein.
Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.
Parsely is gharsley.
Epitaph to a waiter: By and by God caught his eye.
Since the house is on fire let us warm ourselves.
Hairspray and blusher, eyelash curlers, eye-shadow palettes the size of tea-trays. Even before they left school it was as if they were already rehearsing for some witless kind of womanhood.
When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better.
He'd give the devil ulcers.
I had always assumed that cliche was a suburb of Paris until I discovered it to be a street in Oxford.
Thin people are beautiful but fat people are adorable.
Don't quote me that's what you heard not what I said.
If you can't bite don't show your teeth.
An indecent mind is a perpetual feast.
Shake a bridle over a Yorkshireman's grave and he'll rise and steal a horse.
A man of words and not of deeds Is like a garden full of weeds.
Equal opportunity is good but special privilege even better.
I used to be snow-white . . . but I drifted.
If I look like this I need the trip.