In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

I did not know what the future would bring, but I knew that life is not merely about knowledge. It is about the courage and trust that we place in our stories.

We have grasped the mystery of the atom and rejected the Sermon on the Mount.

Anybody who really wants to abolish war must resolutely declare himself in favor of his own country's resigning a portion of sovereignty in place of international institutions.

Doing more of what doesn't work won't make it work any better.

Usually the script is much more funny than the film turns out to be, in my case. The script is almost like a comic book but when you start making it, for some reason the film gets very serious.

I've always approached spring training as I have something to prove.

To influence others must keep growing themselves.

It's easier to get divorced than to engage in the soul-stretching personal growth that is inevitable in marriage

It is the doctrine of the popular music-masters, that whoever can speak can sing. So, probably, every man is eloquent once in his life. Our temperaments differ in capacity of heat, or

I wanted to promote skateboarding as much as possible through different media.