I guess I lost a little bit of self-esteem that time that you made it with the whole hockey team.

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

Do not fear adversity. Win it over. It will make you wiser and stronger.

The original language of Christianity is translation.

Life is a game of chance. You ought to play the game.

How can we ever understand what we are and where we belong in the universe if we haven't experienced anything outside of our own nation, culture, or history?

The government doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs.

We are not what we are, nor do we treat or esteem each other for such, but for what we are capable of being.

Defend yourselves! If people don't defend their rights, they lose them.

What I want from my lovers is real, unadulterated love, and from my genuine workers I expect real work done.

When we pray, we don't change the world, we change ourselves.

A kid who has just started to lie is taking the first step as a storyteller.