I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Peace for Israel, ” he said.“Is that possible?” I drew closer.“Yes, if we have peace with God first.

Rose unearthed three crystal goblets that almost matched, and even found a tablecloth that hadn't been attacked by moths since its last public appearance.

In their churches the Protestants taught believers to go out of the four walls of the church to demonstrate their love for God by how they serve fellow humans

He traveled the lowland and climbed the mountains

Lord if any have to die this day let it be me for I am ready.

The Marxist outlook ... represents the most consistent and systematic application of the scientific outlook and method.

Your ideal body weight as an ectomorph at 6' 0" will be 214.378 lbs. There. Happy? And if you lose or gain a pound, I will have you killed. It is important to be ideal.

You learned the two greatest thing in life, never rat on your friends, and always keep your mouth shut.

If we are transparent, with nothing to hide, the gap between language and being disappears. Then the Muse can speak.

When you find things that are tried and true for millennia, you can bet that it's going to happen tomorrow.