I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day

The only thing more unpredictable than magic is language.

If we master a bit of drawing, everything else is possible.

It is a certain rule that wit and passion are entirely incompatible. When the affections are moved, there is no place for the imagination.

Rich people should consider that they are only trustees for what they posses, and should show their wealth to be more in doing good than merely in having it.

Fortunately work begets work.

In my writing I even question the universe; I wonder out loud if it is real, and I wonder out loud if all of us are real.

Frost is the greatest artist in our clime - he paints in nature and describes in rime.

They rushed to move it forward, uh, and then a lawsuit was filed and we spent many months litigating, rather than trying to come up with legislation and move forward on that front.

Don't mind the five or more million Germans. Stalin will see to them they will cease to exist.