I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

When the mind is free, magic happens.

So what if you believe it can’t be done. Stop trying to prevent those who do believe from reaching for the stars.

What you subconsciously want, you will get. And what you subconsciously do not want, you will avoid.

Stress is an unstranformed opportunity for empowerment.

I would immediately start working on the military [as a President] . We have to build up our depleted military. And I would start working on repealing and replacing Obamacare.

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

In an earlier life, were you a pair of brakes?" "Try a brick wall.

Funerals...are for the living.

With much we surfeit; plenty makes us poor.

Tangier is one of the few places left in the world where, so long as you don't proceed to robbery, violence, or some form of crude, antisocial behavior, you can do exactly what you want.