I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

No grand idea was ever born in a conference but a lot of foolish ideas have died there.

Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark.

The chile, it seems to me, is one of the few foods that has its own goddess.

When I think of people I am close to, I genuinely feel that I can include Josh Lyman, Toby Ziegler, C.J. Cregg and Sam Seaborn.

Musicians more than most people are in the moment. That's the dual nature of that job.

The Killer instinct is not perceived by words, but by look.

A good drawing has immense vitality because it is explanatory. In a good drawing even its faults have become virtues.

I couldn't cut up a frog, and I certainly couldn't perform surgery. I'm better at making it possible for other people.

Some things in life are out of your control. You can make it a party or a tragedy.

The Ignorance the people live in leads them to commit mistakes against their own happiness