I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Sometimes a short cut is just a short cut to disaster.

We appear to be saying something very important aboutsomething: and actually we are only saying something about our own feelings.

In any case, muffins that are only imaginary aren't liable to get stuck.

I'm like a waiter and you something like a hater with trays in both hands, place an order I can cater.

Language should almost break up or explode in its fruitless effort to contain so many meanings.

Have I ever told you, you look like Monty Clift? he inquired in a deep, seductive voice. Before or after the accident?

Don't be smart. Smart is only a polished version of dumb. Try intelligence. It will surely see you through.

I had a great family. My father was in the Air Force, so we were always disciplined, goal oriented.