For a single woman preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

There isn't anyone who can't serve ... nobody who can't help somebody else.

In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.

Every general increase of freedom is accompanied by some degeneracy, attributable to the same causes as the freedom.

Success isn't about acquiring things, it's about discovering your life purpose and following the call

92 people are killed every single day in car fatalities. What if we filmed every one of them? No one would drive cars.

By burning nuclear waste as fuel, we believe we can power the United States cleanly for hundreds of years without ever touching new resources.

I revise and revise and revise. I'm not even sure "revise" is the right word. I work a story almost to death before it's done.

Nobody comes to Earth to dodge problems. We come here to take 'em on.

No policy has proved more successful in making friends for the United States, during the cold war and since, than educating students from abroad at our colleges and universities.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.