Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

A powerful person is equally cool with their flaws and things that aren't powerful about them at all.

Gene Kelly was a great dancer and I was lucky to be in 'Singin' in the Rain.' He was my teacher when I was 17 years old, when he was 37 years old. He taught me everything.

I don’t want to be a mentor in my bedroom.

The office of the prince and that of the writer are defined and assigned as follows: the nobleman gives rank to the written work,the writer provides food for the prince.

If hours did not hang heavy, what would become of scandal?

Chaos umpire sits And by decision more embroils the fray by which he reigns: next him high arbiter Chance governs all.

The conscience of the dying belies their life.

I just stay away from the news and try and find people around me who are doing positive things and look to them.

Christians assert that because there is fundamental weirdness at the quantum level of the very very small one must pretend to know things one does not know, aka have faith.