Did you folks see President Bush's State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he's in the hands of interrogators.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Acquaintances are numerous. Friends are few. Enemies many.

Whatever their bodies do affects their souls. It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out...

I was like a clock that had exploded- my springs were hanging out, my hands were cockeyed, and my numbers were falling off.

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.

Your skin will get better, you're going to be more attractive, you're more likely to get a job - all the things you want, you will get as a result of being in a more calm place.

To know is to care, to care is to act, to act is to make a difference.

Yesterday Gary Condit spent the whole day attending an agricultural meeting. Boy, that's when you know a congressman's in real trouble: when he spends the whole day actually working.

Fasting stirs a hunger in your spirit that goes deeper than the temporary you experience in your flesh.

Even though no one admits it, writers are leaders in their communities.

We don't break our captains. We kill them.