Comedians are sometimes resentful of their writers. Probably because it's hard for giant egos to admit you need anyone but yourself to be what you are.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

Censorship feeds the dirty mind more than the four-letter word itself.

It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear.

I don't see the future as bright, language-wise. I see it as a glass half empty - and evaporating quickly.

I eat at this German-Chinese restaurant and the food is delicious. The only problem is that an hour later you're hungry for power.

I don't feel old. I feel like a young man that has something wrong with him.

Obviously those who burn to be professional jesters mean that they want to be successful comedians. And those are always an elite, microscopic portion of the population. But oh, how they try.

My IQ is somewhere between Spiro Agnew's and Albert Einstein's.

I was once a man, not a great man, not a saintly man, but a good man, and a man nonetheless.

Only those exceptional at mimicking others feel at ease in the world.

I might be crazy, but at least I'm not insane.

Don't put off for tomorrow what you should do today.

Sometimes my mind boggles. It's so deep my mind actually boggles

They tried to make me go to Catholic school, too. I lasted a very short time. When the penguin came after me with a ruler, I was out of there.

Like a graceful vase, a cat, even when motionless, seems to flow.

Every stress leaves an indelible scar, and the organism pays for its survival after a stressful situation by becoming a little older.

Raw garlic and a skin of the lemon - not only do they give you a beautiful face and skin but they also protect you from disease.

Humanity is not a gift of nature, it is a spiritual achievement to be earned.