Being funny is not the same as being happy.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

The perennial sadness of a girl who is both death and the maiden.

I'm very practical. What I'm reaching for is individualism for women

I think money is pretty straightforward. Get some money in; pay off what you owe, the rest is yours.

The standard is not writ on the stone. The definition of the standard is that it is the best way to do the job for now. It should be regarded as a next step to make further improvement.

Business is society's change agent.

If I do not do sensible things about investments I shall spend my old age in a workhouse, where nobody will understand my jokes.

Look: There's good creepy and there's bad creepy. Today's creepy is tomorrow's necessity.

I have very good friends who are in the army and also friends within the police force. When I say friends, people who love my music and who actually love the messages within my music.

What is the alternative to peace? A catastrophe for both peoples [Palestine and Israel].