Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

That the birds of worry and care fly over you head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent." - Chinese Proverb

Everybody has something to prove each year. Everybody has a responsibility in this game. Even the batboy.

It's my pleasure and honor to be here fighting on HBO and in the United States.

Time is but the shadow of the world upon the background of Eternity.

[O]ne of the mixed blessings of being twenty and twenty-one and even twenty-three is the conviction that nothing like this, all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding, has ever happened before.

If I could make anything disappear, it would be hate.

I don't do anything for Halloween. I carry Halloween inside of me.

We can't tell our life from our wish

The generations that were exposed to sitcom have the people actually saying the line, saying the joke, whereas sort of before that you have much more observational humor.

Each year I become more mindful of being thankful for each life experience.