A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

How do you nurture a positive attitude when all the statistics say you're a dead man? You go to work.

Mindful and creative, a child who has neither a past, nor examples to follow, nor value judgments, simply lives, speaks and plays in freedom.

I don't think there's any need to have essays advocating selfishness among human beings; I don't know what your impression has been, but some things require no further reinforcement.

Ralph (Houk) brought out the best in everybody, and that included me. I consider myself lucky to have played for him.

What mattered most was knowing that love was mine to give, without strings or expectations.

Eddie Robinson is about one word: winning and losing.

What counts in a good story is the person inside. Keep it simple.

Looking at the creative process is like looking into a crystal: no matter which facet we gaze into, we see all the others reflected.

Someone once said to me, 'Are you telling me that chair isn't real, that it's only thought?' I said 'Of course the chair is real. But it comes to you via Thought