My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Life wore a man out, wore a man thin.Tomorrow would be a better day.

But when perfections comes, the imperfect disappears1st Corinthians

There are many reasons for why a man does what de does. To be himself he must be able to give it all. If a leader cannot give it all he cannot expect his people to give anything.

I don't tend to do much with my lips. My lips are naturally very pink, so if I add any more colour, it looks like I've been smacked in the mouth!

What good is regret? It brings back nothing. What we have lost is irretrievable.

The art of the novel is to arrive at that artless point where your characters become more real than yourself.

Those who do not know history are probably also not doing well in English or math. P.J. O'Rourke

Never give up on your child. But also, you have to love your child.

No man is lonely eating spaghetti; it requires so much attention.