Humor Quotes
I've got daughters. Nine years old and six years old. First of all, I'm gonna teach them about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them PUNISHED with a baby.
Over the last fifteen months we've traveled to every corner of the United States. I've now been to fifty-seven states. I think, one left to go.
I could end the deficit in five minutes. You just pass a law that says that anytime there is a deficit of more than 3% of GDP all sitting members of congress are ineligible for reelection.
Hillary has the brains of someone who was born yesterday and the body of someone who died last week.
Most politicians lie for the same reason a monkey swings by his tail, which is to say because he can.
To call an artist morbid because he deals with morbidity as his subject-matter is as silly as if one called Shakespeare mad because he wrote ‘King Lear.
In the legal respect, after the execution of the supposed incendiaries, the other half of Moscow burned down.
Phoebus de Chateaupers likewise came to a 'tragic end': he married.
Well, no, not married as such, but yes, there is a specific girl that I'm not married to.
Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?I didn't think it polite to listen, sir.
One of his followers murmured agreement, but another quietly slipped away. Now there was Norton and four others. Maybe that wasn't so bad. Christ Himself could only find twelve.
Come forward as servants of Islam, organize the people economically, socially, educationally and politically and I am sure that you will be a power that will be accepted by everybody.
Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
He let the curtain drop and the terrible light that had played on his features went off to play somewhere more healthy.
A man who looks like Frodo just spent $150 on erotica books and asked for my phone number. I considered giving him yours just to spite you.
He then departed, to make himself still more interesting, in the midst of an heavy rain.
If it was my business, I wouldn't talk about it. It is very vulgar to talk about one's business. Only people like stockbroker's do that, and then merely at dinner parties.
It has been my experience that, even when a man has a sense of humor, it only really carries him to the point where he will join in a laugh at the expense of the other fellow.
I never felt so fervently thankful, so soothed, so tranquil, so filled with a blessed peace, as I did yesterday when I learned that Michael Angelo was dead.
He thinks himself rather an exceptional young man, thoroughly sophisticated, well adjusted to his environment, and somewhat more significant than any one else he knows.
When the Attorney-General ceased, a buzz arose in the court as if a cloud of great blue-flies were swarming about the prisoner, in anticipation of what he was soon to become.
People who leave their drugs in a bathroom the guests use are just asking for trouble.
Tout les jours you are coming some fresh game or other on me, mais vous ne pouvez pas play this savon dodge on me twice!
It's not the books by Stephen King that I read, I need protection from the things in my head . . .
Don't blame you, " said Marvin and counted five hundred and ninety-seven thousand million sheep before falling asleep again a second later.
Zaphod had never heard of this. He believed that he had heard of all the fun things in the Galaxy, so he assumed that the Total Perspective Vortex was not fun.
One moment I was sitting in your ship feeling very depressed, and the next moment I was standing here feeling utterly miserable. An Improbability Field I expect.
The main reception foyer was almost empty but Ford nevertheless weaved his way through it.
I tell you it's deadly when you start thinking your wife might be right.
This explains why, whenever a person says sie to me, I generally try to kill him, if a stranger.
And to the little Squirrel who lived in the fir-tree, and was lonely, he said, 'Where is my mother?' And the Squirrel answered, 'Thou hast slain mine. Dost thou seek to slay thine also?
We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows
On this matter I'm inclined to agree with the French, who gaze upon any personal dietary prohibition as bad manners.
After five seconds there was a click, and the entire Universe was there in the box with him.
But I've bought a big bat.I'm all ready, you see.Now my troubles are goingTo have trouble with me!