Funny Quotes
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
That's just how I see things. I think things that are the most dramatic or tragic can also look the most ridiculous and funny. That's part of being human.
What great comedians, great comic writers, great comic actors do is that they just read the headlines with the right eyebrow position and it's funny.
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
A lot of beautiful people are stupid. There are a tremendous number of idiots who look so good. It's frightening.
Accents are funny in that they have this odd draw for us, yet we forget we have one, too. No one is without an accent, but the one you’ve got seems like oatmeal to their caviar.
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"
And when you're on your own there is that terrifying possibility that you may be the only person on the planet who thinks it's funny - and you have no way of finding out.
A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
I tried the Scarsdale diet and the Stillman water diet (you remember that one, where you run weight off trying to get to the bathroom).
I'm in the public eye, so I don't care who knows what I get done. If I see something sagging, dragging, or bagging, I get it sucked, tucked, or plucked.
I still think funny, and people young and old still come and see me. That's flattering. The day comes that they stop coming, then I'll know that it's time to retire to the Jewish ranch.
What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.
Space is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist, but that's just peanuts to space.
There was plenty of dysfunction in my family and I went to Catholic School with these psychotic nuns. I would always try to be funny to lighten the mood.
Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like Canada.
It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.
I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.
It sometimes takes days, even weeks, before a dog's nerves tire. In the case of terriers it can run into months.
When I played Lady Day, I took Aba onstage with me as a joke. He started singing-in tune!-and the audience loved it.
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
"I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?" "Fido looks a bit weird."
Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
Country people do not behave as if they think life is short; they live on the principle that it is long, and savor variations of the kind best appreciated if most days are the same.
You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
