Funny Quotes

The only man who makes money following the races is one who does it with a broom and shovel.

When you live in a leading lady's body, which I do, you have to constantly prove that you are funny.

Dogs are a habit, I think.

It's funny; in this era of e-mail and voice mail and all those things that even I did not grow up with, a plain old paper letter takes on amazing intimacy.

I would recommend to those persons who are inclined to stagnate, whose blood is beginning to thicken sluggishly in their veins, to try keeping four dogs, two of which are puppies.

Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.

The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.

The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.

You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful.

Money is what makes a man act funny.

The idea that you can't be attractive and funny at the same time is something that I hate.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't play like me, play like you.'

I find it very difficult to be funny, it's much easier to do tragedy than it is to do comedy.

I like the idea of being out there regularly with an audience and with a funny gang of people. That's what I grew up with - doing television, doing shows every week.

I'm doing a very funny show in which we talk about issues. I speak at Aids charities and things. It's great to do something fun with our days and yet we're told we're doing something important.

Allow me to put the record straight. I am forty-six and have been for some years past.

The truth is simple, you do not die from love. You only wish you did.

People always think of Chinese food as the go-to ethnic food when everything else is closed during the holidays, but Indian is a nice alternative. Plus - Indians? Thanksgiving? Kinda makes sense.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how we can reverse the process.

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.

No One Diets on Thanksgiving.

One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

Here is the piece. If you can't say fornicate can you say copulate or if not that can you say co-habit? If not that would have to say consummate I suppose. Use your own good taste and judgment.

Don't you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle. I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have given me more pleasure.

I don't consider myself, you know, in real life one of those funny guys. My comedy comes through my work.

No dog is as well bred or as well mannered or as distinguished and handsome.

During the rests - pray.

I can see none of you are smugglers; that's why it's so loud.

It is not as difficult as I thought it was, but it is harder than it is.

Who is sitting in that empty chair?

The notes are right, but if I listened they would be wrong.

Why do you always start after my beat then rush to catch up? Do you want us to stay behind?

I wrote it the right way, so it was copied the wrong way right. I mean the right way wrong.

I don't get into politics, general or musical, but just call me if you get jury duty. Even in New Jersey I was able to help somebody.

Tonight I'm going to listen with my ears.

We do not know when he is coming. He is coming tomorrow.

I know this music from memory, not from the music.

I always feel I do it too slow, but then others do it faster.

There is a number missing. I can see it.

It has no rhythm, but it will because it's so much faster.

Yes, the mutes are already on. You took them off in the beginning.

We have to play it longer because there are no numbers or letters.

I was trying to help you, so I was beating wrong.