Funny Quotes

....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

It's funny how social activists usually protest against the only things that have a credible chance of achieving the activists' goals.

If you're considered a beauty, it's hard to be accepted doing anything but standing around.

Courtney Love is really cool and funny. I would like to meet Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz. I think I could play their daughters.

When I lost my decathlon world record I took it like a man. I only cried for ten hours.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.

We just keep trying to beat every show with the funny stick until it's funny

This isn't a man who is leaving with his head between his legs.

We lead in exporting jobs.

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.

We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.

Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.

El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a single voice.

Journalists should denounce government by public opinion polls.

It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing... the line you are not to cross.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

The funniest thing happened in one of my first scenes. In the beginning Emma was really arrogant and punk and in every scene she would slam the door when she walked in or out.

May we now all rise and sing the eternal school hymn: "Attack. Attack. Attack Attack Attack!"

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-Shirt

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they also like to eat snails.

England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.

It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to "get involved" in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes.

If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.

There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to ours, including such traditional American activities as driving Japanese cars.

Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.

There is nothing as relaxing as being out on the open sea, listening to the waves and the wind and the sails and voices downstairs yelling "HOW DO YOU FLUSH THESE TOILETS?"

Greyhound Bus Lines motto: "We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards."

This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.

We decide to start with the best-known sight of all, the one that, more than any other, exemplifies what the Big Apple is all about: the Islip Garbage Barge.

The clocks are all turned forward from Funny Time to Right Time. I always remember, "Spring back or Fall in.

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

It's funny, there aren't too many musicians that also moonlight as studio engineers. There's a few - the really brilliant ones.

Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler.

That was in the past - we're in the future now.

I don't need to convince anybody that I know kung fu, but maybe somebody needs to know that I really can act, without doing a Chinese accent or a funny walk.

He's 31 this year: last year he was 30.

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

The first year I was on the show, it took an interviewer about 45 minutes to get it out of me that I even had a dog, and even then I wouldn't tell him the dog's name.

I think it's very funny that someone would exaggerate to make himself look worse.

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.