Funny Quotes

He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

Society is composed of two great classes, those that have more dinners than appetite, and those who have more appetite than dinners.

Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out.

You ask my advice about acting? Speak clearly, don't bump into the furniture and if you must have motivation, think of your pay packet on Friday.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

We English are good at forgiving our enemies; it releases us from the obligation of liking our friends.

Chumps always make the best husbands. All the unhappy marriages come from the husbands having brains.

Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.

Whenever I go overseas I buy funny eyelashes. For example the same brand that are in Japan and England are different styles. So I bought both.

Who has connections to Connecticut? That's where rich people go to live the rest of their life in the woods.

You get fifteen democrats in a room, and you get twenty opinions.

Few great men would have got past personnel.

They say that if the Swiss had designed these mountains they'd be rather flatter.

It's not how you look, it's how you feel in the dark

Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call Destiny.

Guests are people who come to your home to see you whine at the table, bark loudly, jump on women wearing pantyhose, and do other tricks which you wouldn't think of doing just for the family.

Winning is about taking your opponent's heart out and squeezing it until all the blood has come out, even the very last drop. There are no prizes for a funny loser.

NASA scientists announced the discovery of 50 new planets, among them what they're calling Super Earth. It's indistinguishable from regular earth until it removes its glasses.

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.

This is a free country, madam. We have a right to share your privacy in a public place.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.

How happy is the Optimist / To whom life shows its sunny side / His horse may lose, his ship may list, / But he always sees the funny side.

The man who would be fully employed should procure a ship or a woman, for no two things produce more trouble.

This is the great fault of wine; it first trips up the feet: it is a cunning wrestler.

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

A lot of movies that come from Israel are about war, but there is such good, funny, rounded writing that comes from the country that I wish more people would discover.

Women would rather be right than reasonable.

They take the paper and they read the headlines. So they've heard of unemployment and they've heard of bread-lines. And they philanthropically cure them all by getting up a costume charity ball.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

In America the President reigns for four years, and Journalism governs forever and ever.

When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs.

When a man does exactly what a woman expects him to do she doesn't think much of him. One should always do what a woman doesn't expect, just as one should say what she doesn't understand.

Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.

The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what fiction means.

It takes a thoroughly good woman to do a thoroughly stupid thing

Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event.

Occasionally, I go off the rails. I once nearly killed somebody once - it wasn't funny. I am a lunatic. The pressure of work, the pressure - everyone has a stop valve, and I don't have one.

I once heard someone doing a karaoke version of my song. That was pretty funny.

Women are very funny. Some of the funniest people I can think of are women.

Sanity is very rare; every man almost and every woman has a dash of madness.

If my books had been any worse, I should not have been invited to Hollywood, and if they had been any better, I should not have come.

Before a war military science seems a real science, like astronomy; but after a war it seems more like astrology.

What is so funny about us is precisely that we take ourselves too seriously. Laughter is the same and healthy response to the innocent foibles of men; and even to some which are not innocent.