Funny Quotes

What is funny about us is precisely that we take ourselves too seriously.

Man is the inventor of stupidity.

Now, mark it. This may be strong language, but heed it. The people mean it, and, my friends of the Eastern Democracy, we bid farewell when you do that thing.

If you work at comedy too laboriously, you can kill what's funny in the joke.

One day I may be meeting you and hearing how you've changed your life by saying, "Farewell to Fat".

I always chose all my friends on whether they were funny. What's a better way to pass the time than laughing or smiling?

...funny how people want a return to the good ole days. Of coarse the good ole days of being a rich white plantation owner. Everyone seems to forget the poor white farmer.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.

Parenthood is the passing of a baton, followed by a lifelong disagreement as to who dropped it.

Marriage, like money, is still with us; and, like money, progressively devalued.

Give me a kiss, and to that kiss a score: Then to that twenty, add a hundred more.

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.

Grove giveth and Gates taketh away.

It’s funny now, trying to socialise with people. There’s this cautiousness about people which I just find really weird.

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say, "You better let him finish."

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I have three kids, one of each.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

There is certainly more in the future now than back in 1964.

There are two things you can't argue in film: comedy and eroticism. If something doesn't make you laugh, no one can tell you why it's funny, and it's difficult to reason someone out of an erection.

Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.

Being given chances, and not taking them. That's what life is all about.

Old age is - a lot of crossed off names in an address book.

I would have voted against the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Don't worry about polls, but if you do, don't admit it.

I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God.

If a playwright is funny, the English look for a serious message, and if he's serious, they look for a joke.

I seated ugliness on my knee, and almost immediately grew tired of it.

What happened? Satan was busy?

True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes, and I won't say no - but I'm giving you a definite maybe.

I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.

Gentlemen, listen to me slowly.

Television has raised writing to a new low.

You fail to overlook the crucial point.

An exotic and irrational entertainment.

I love a lot of comedy actors and actresses like Kristen Wiig and Tina Fey and all those women who are really brilliant and funny.