Funny Quotes

To me, writing is remembering something funny that happened, or maybe something I said seven years ago.

I like being a funny lady. I think theres nothing sexier than a funny lady.

I think a lot of times on TV we see caricatures - that's what's funny.

I have to tell you I enjoy Jon Stewart. That's the truth. I actually think he's very funny. I've paid to see him do his stand-up routine.

Love is just a chocolate substitute.

The way I survived growing up in Jersey City was by being funny. It wasn't by being tough. Nobody thought of me as a tough kid, except for the kids I beat up.

The way I deliver it is meant to be fun. Does it hurt sometimes? Yes, but it is meant to be funny not offensive.

She gets naughty with her Pilates body And she thinks it's really funny when her nose goes bloody

All women are basically in competition with each other for a handful of eligible men.

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!

I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.

I have to go and say farewell to all the countries that I have been to, if I can. I am 73 now, it is taxing on me.

If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.

We will welcome them with bullets and shoes.

The Cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river.

Today, the tide has turned, we are destroying them.

Our initial assessment is that they will all die.

They are still trying to bomb with artillery and rocket-propelled grenades to hit the Republican Guard who are controlling Saddam International Airport.

Let's go and do jihad

...over the past two days, we managed to shoot down 196 missiles before they hit their target.

Hit them. Fight them. They are cursed; they are evil.

Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough?

Tombay's hopes, which were nil before, are absolutely zero now

This circuit is interesting because it has inclines and declines. Not just up, but down as well.

As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is fifth.

I was there when I said it.

Villeneuve is now twelve seconds ahead of Villeneuve.

I didn't see the time, largely because there wasn't one.

Come around, feel the sound. Know you make my heart pound. Fill me up, bring me down; when I hear your sound.

The French complain of everything, and always.

I agree that someone falling down is really funny, and I can go on YouTube and watch people falling. It makes me laugh.

I don't just randomly kill people... I kill people when it's funny.

Great, big, serious novels always get awards. If it's a battle between a great, big, serious novel and a funny novel, the funny novel is doomed.

To me, the highest expression of life is art with jokes. It's very rarified, very difficult to accomplish if you want to be more than just funny, and more than just jokes about human gaseousness.