Funny Quotes

I would love to do comedy. I think I'm funny and that comedy is my strong suit, at least in real life. I have yet to prove myself in the movies, but I'd love to get the opportunity to do that.

Somehow we manage it: to like our friends, to tolerate not only their little ways but their huge neuroses, their monumental oddness: "Oh well," we smile, "it's one of his funny days."

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one.

Without friends the world is but a wilderness.

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

Mr. Gorbachev has apparently stumbled onto one of the best-kept secrets in recent Soviet history: Communism doesn't work.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.

Propel, propel, propel your craft softly down liquid solution. Ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, Existence is simply illusion.

Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling.

The farewell between Hitler and Mussolini at the station was very affectionate. Both men were moved.

A cruise ship is a floating town of lazy people.

The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.

I've always wanted to do more significant stuff. I think of myself as well-informed, but the hardest thing to do is talk about politics and current events and be funny and not just preachy.

There's no in between-you're either good or bad. We were in between.

Ozzy wanted to get us back together. It's been 20 years. We did a couple of songs during his farewell in 1992 and that got the ball rolling.

One thing about golf is you don't know why you play bad and why you play good.

Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors.

There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst.

My mother married a very good man ... and she is not at all keen on my doing the same.

Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one?

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?

The status quo sucks.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst.

It's good to be funny when you are a comedian.

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

Humility is one of the most repulsive virtues, nearly always false.

I'd like to start a religion. That's where the money is.

The secret of a successful restaurant is sharp knives.

Before you contradict an old man, my fair friend, you should endeavour to understand him.

I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things.

I've coined new words, like, misunderstanding and "Hispanically".

Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.

It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods.

And identity is funny being yourself is funny as you are never yourself to yourself except as you remember yourself and then of course you do not believe yourself.