Funny Quotes

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.

I really think that effective acting has to do literally with the movement of molecules.

Being seventy is not a sin. It's not a joy, either.

I was a drummer in the bugle band in cadets. I marched. It's probably quite funny to look back on it.

Straight men just can't imagine the bliss of being in a relationship with someone who finds farting as funny as they do.

She is such a scene-stealer. She's got these lashes and big eyes, and when she walks on to the set everybody just says "ooh."

Go, and never darken my towels again

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Any place I hang my head is home.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup.

Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working.

Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its own punishment with it.

If you can't be funny, be interesting.

We haven't had any more rain since it stopped raining.

I love Americans, but not when they try to talk French. What a blessing it is that they never try to talk English.

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived.

Fighting is essentially a masculine idea; a woman's weapon is her tongue.

But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman!

Pffft, English. Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

South Sea natives who have been exposed to American movies classify them into two types, 'kiss-kiss' and 'bang-bang.

You cannot hope to bribe or twist, thank God! The British journalist. But seeing what the man will do unbribed, there's no occasion to!

From my close observation of writers... they fall into two groups: 1) those who bleed copiously and visibly at any bad review, and 2) those who bleed copiously and secretly at any bad review.

Nothing interferes with my concentration. You could put on an orgy in my office and I wouldn't look up. Well, maybe once.

I think I'll just go down and have some pudding and wait for it all to turn up - it always does in the end.

... Variety and the Hollywood Reporter, two publications read more faithfully in Hollywood than the Koran is in Mecca.

The California cemeteries make dying sound so attractive it's a real effort to keep breathing.

Every animal leaves traces of what it was; man alone leaves traces of what he created.