Am I the Irish comedian with half a finger? No, I'm the Irish comedian with nine and a half fingers.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock.

Goodnight, thank you, and may your God go with you.

A good storyteller never lets the facts get in the way.

My church accepts all denominations - fivers, tenners, twenties.

I don't go out of my way to be outrageous, I just go out of my way to look at things.

It's the behaviour of your company and its people that form your reputation, and your reputation is your brand

I said that I had heard curiosity could be harmful, in particular to cats

Is it the raindrops pervading my being?or is it your lips touching my skin?

No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise for the writer, no surprise for the reader.

Nor it is an objection to say that we must understand a prayer if it is to have its true effect. That simply is not the case. Who understands the wisdom of a flower? Yet we can take pleasure in it.

Vanity is apt to inspire contempt, but that becomes immediately tempered by a gentler and more gracious feeling; for the vain man desires to win our approbation, and in this way he flatters us.

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

I am also working on a couple of short stories for anthologies. This is new to me and Im enjoying it.

My work is immaterial. It's not painting, it's not sculpture, it's emotions. I'm giving you something to experience yourself.

I sure do miss that woman. Smart. Funny. Sweet. She never gave me a moment's trouble." "Gosh, I'm sorry about that. I knew it was boring between you two, but not that bad.

I play the piano passionately and inaccurately. Indeed, I worked out the other day that of my seventy-five years; I have spent at least one year sitting on a piano stool.