Pat Paulsen Quotes

All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.

Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.

No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.

I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.

I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.

I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.

Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'

We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman.

Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.

If Iowa is the 'heart' land, what part of the human body is Los Angeles?

In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president.

I've upped my standards. Now, up yours.

If elected, I will win.

The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that.

It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies.

On the issue of inflation, I think I could solve it no matter how much money it took.

I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good.

I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan.

It is true that all of the current presidential candidates once denied that they had any intention of running. But the fact that I am also a liar, doesn't make me a candidate.

I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off.

A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose?

Only a cheap politician, greedy for political gain, would try to single out one individual for blame. The fault lies not with the individual but with the system, and that system is Richard Nixon.

They said I ignored the drug problem. Well, I gave speeches on drugs, I wrote books on drugs. I did darn near everything on drugs!

I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar.

Why should old people get [Social Security]? They just sit around all day doing nothing.

So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye.

Worrying about the future is a thing of the past. I don't think about it.

As I've always said: The future lies ahead.

You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check.

Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk.

Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it.

People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?'

The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees.

The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down.

Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not?

Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar.

Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.

I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it?

In conclusion, you can see that there is a place for censors and we only wish that we could tell you where it is.

We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass.

I don't need adult supervision.

Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up.

If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun.

Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.'

The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman.