I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan.

All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.

Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.

No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.

I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.

I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.

I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.

Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'

We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman.

Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.

Music lifts the soul to spiritual realms.

If Eve was inferior to Adam because she was created after him, then Adam was inferior to the fishes, because they preceded him.

Word 'Classy' is not for commons. Try to be classy!

As part of the coalition against ISIL, we are putting that terrorist network under tremendous pressure.

I really didn't consider myself happy or unhappy.

I’ve been wandering around all night—I couldn’t sleep—and I kept finding myself walking here. To you.

The Truth is inseparable from who you are. Yes, you are the Truth. If you look for it elsewhere, you will be deceived every time.

Common sense (which, in truth, is very uncommon) is the best sense I know of: abide by it; it will counsel you best.

I am a fast cook. I have to be, as I am a busy person with many responsibilities and don't have a lot of time for cooking.

Oh, did I tell you I have a cookbook? I have a cookbook deal.