Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk.

All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.

Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.

No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.

I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.

I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.

I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.

Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'

We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman.

Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.

Begin with “I remember.” Write lots of small memories. If you fall into one large memory, write that. Just keep going. Don’t be concerned if the memory happened five seconds ago or five years ago.

We all operate on different levels of awareness. Half the time I don't know what I'm doing.

Moderation multiplies pleasures, and increases pleasure.

Courage is more exhilarating than fear, and in the long run, it is easier.

The older you get, you can be less inspired.

Duncan became a legend before he became a player at Everton.

My weekends are extremely precious.

Growth isn't free it always has a cost.

I'm a little disappointed I didn't get fiddled with by a TSA agent at the airport. I feel unwanted. Maybe next time.

A beauty masked, like the sun in eclipse, gathers together more gazers than if it shined out.