On the issue of inflation, I think I could solve it no matter how much money it took.

All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.

Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.

No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.

I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.

I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.

I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.

Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'

We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman.

Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.

In darkness I follow the light and find my way to the beginning again, and again, and again.

To write about a struggle amidst the struggling: one must hope that the muddling will end someday.

The man who speaks the truth is always at ease.

The republican is the only form of government which is not eternally at open or secret war with the rights of mankind.

The bank...is trying to kill me, but I will kill it!

It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

... people loved to suffer, as long as the suffering made sense. Everybody suffered. The key was to choose the form of your suffering.

When I'm running, I'm looking for contact. It's kind of weird. It brings a fire to me. When I get older I'll probably get wise and not do that.

I never want to be on TV on a reality show.

Maybe there's some unquenchable question that I keep asking the universe that I can't get an answer to.