I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Change is fearful, but at the end it is beautiful.

Learn what you are and be such.

You will begin to realize that if you contemplate long enough on the leaf of the flower, that it involves the whole universe.

Maybe I'd like to be a little more than friends with Ryan Gosling, but I'd just like to hang out occasionally.

To "bear arms" is, in itself, a military term. One does not bear arms against a rabbit.

The beauty of a lovely woman is like music.

An awareness of our past is essential to the establishment of our personality and our identity as Africans.

I think the role of the Federal Reserve is enormously exaggerated.

I love animals, always have, and it seemed natural to help the ASPCA. Animals have no voice of their own, so we have to be that voice

How can you hope to recognize good and evil for what they truly are if you have no belief in a moral authority greater than yourself?