Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

We like what we like, we want what we want, and nobody needs to give us permission to feel that way!

It's only gossip if you repeat it. Until then, it's gathering information.

If put to the pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.

I am now quite cured of seeking pleasure in society, be it country or town.

Perhaps we can come here together someday. By the way, you're a month older than the last time I saw you. Are you still too young to marry.

Because of the makeup of the NBA, it cannot afford for the public to turn on them.

It is easier to contend with evil at the first than at the last.

The only thing worse than dying is living a boring life.

She waits for me, my lady Earth, Smiles and waits and sighs; I'll say her nay, and hide away, Then take her by surprise.

Despair is suffering without meaning.