If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I had one elegantly folded cookie—a short paper nerve baked in an ear.

Thought began to take over and obscured the simple yet profound joy of connectedness with being.

I believe in a magnificent God.

Go for the moon. If you don't get it, you'll still be heading for a star. Happiness lies not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of the creative effort.

Hearing from fans is the best feeling in the world.

It is not important to convince people; they should convince themselves, they should look with their own eyes.

I panic every time I put out a record. I think every artist does.

As a whole, investors should welcome attempts to safeguard the integrity of markets. You need very clear rules applied to markets.

a girl takes too much time to love and a few seconds to hate. but a boy takes a few seconds to love and too much time to hate.

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.