When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

At weddings old people poke me and say, "you're next, " so I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

When the work is the best work, it's more like being a secretary than it is a creative person, you just sort of take the stuff down.

The bullet is a fool, the bayonet is a fine chap.

I'd always wanted to do these types of things - pieces of magic I could put out not as illusions, but really doing it.

It was like she was thinking, How far can I go with this? How much more can I fit in my life without losing control?

What's happened recently in Pakistan, India and Kuwait only goes to show that it's futile to imitate Western democracy. They've ended up exactly where they started.

We travel for romance, we travel for architecture, and we travel to be lost.

It's important to focus on what we do best and master one craft at a time.

Sometimes writing a novel is not unlike having a baby. You'd have to ask a female novelist to compare the pain.

I had been rejected, but I was still in love.