Henny Youngman Quotes

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

We aim to please... You aim too, please.

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.

Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Old teachers never die, they just grade away.

I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.

What is a home without children? Quiet.

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.