The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I love a boy with sun-kissed hair, With ocean storms in his bright blue eyes, I love a boy who drinks my tears when I cry.

The truth hurts when you live a life of lies.

There's great food everywhere, and even McDonald's uses nice wood now.

We feel that there is a necessity to strengthen unity and that it will be strengthened and the bloc, the monolithic bloc of socialist countries will be formed again.

One gets so used to one's own horrors, one forgets how they must seem to other people.

I think there's always room to grow.

If there is anything we are serious about, it is neither religion nor learning, but food.

My heart, far too sensitivefor this human world.My heart, so easily wounded, sheds rose tears of compassion.

I will not let my teammates down and I will not let myself down.

Human civilization has been no more than a strange luminescence growing more intense by the hour, of which no one can say when it will begin to wane and when it will fade away.