George Carlin Quotes

"No comment" is a comment.

I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.

The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.

Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Life is a near-death experience.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.

Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded.

I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven't changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.

A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Religion is the worst thing that ever happened to mankind - the ironic part is that it's presented as a good thing, and its effect is absolutely catastrophic to individuals and to societies.

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.