George Carlin Quotes

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.

To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesn't need guidance from.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.

What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.

If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else?

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.

I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.

Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids

People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Surround yourself with what you love.

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