Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

Everybody wants to save the Earth

So prodigal was I of youth Forgetting I was young I worshipped dead men for their strength Forgetting I was strong.

Sergeant O'Leary is walking the beat, at night he becomes a bar tender.

Comedy is really not like any other art form in that it's very specialized and varied in it's content, but generic in it's title.

After all, what can we ever gain in forever looking back and blaming ourselves if our lives have not turned out quite as we might have wished?

Yuki: "Is your brain directly wired to perversion?

The job of the critic is to report to us his moods.

I want to help you decide that, by the power of God, you will not be ordinary.

How could you forget someone you loved even if I did rip his heart to shreds?

To call a man a characteristically Oxford man is, in my opinion, to give him the highest compliment that could be paid to any human being.