Dane Cook Quotes

When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'

Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel.

I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias.

I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.

I live my life like there's no yesterday.

Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH....and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

I won't take no for a question.

Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.

I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.

Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.

I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.

I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.

I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers.

I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.

I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?

How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.

I'm not racist, I've got a black president.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true.

I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance.

I've lived (in LA) for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't anymore.